Mechanical Mind of a Woman Pt. 1

INSECURITY
A woman’s mind is a very complex machine. Our reactions are not always on par with our emotions. We, as females, can be happy, while crying; yelling while only wanting a hug; or even laughing while plotting. We’re very sensitive and borderline bipolar and schizophrenic. It’s not an official diagnosis, but I doubt many would disagree. The female species as a whole, would even agree; however, probably deny it to their significant others.

Our brains are so loony; they will even play out arguments and scenarios in our mind and sometimes it seems so real, we’re convinced it is. Sorry, guys. I can honestly say, that I myself have had some moments of crazy. It’s not foreign to any female. At one point in my life, I was so insecure, I threw a fork at my, now ex husband. Though I intentionally missed him, that moment of complete fogginess and insecurity raged through my veins so profoundly; it was pretty overwhelming.

It was right after I had my first child; Mothers know how it is: the swollen body, hormones, exhaustion, with even a feeling of guilt. We, as mothers have one thing on our mind; that is take care of our children and everything else gets put on the back burner. At that point, especially as a new mother, sweats and a messy, greasy bun, was my new look. I had no time or energy to even shower. The most I would do is take a soapy rag to my body real quick when I had to run to the bathroom or get some more coffee. Goodness, the amount of coffee I had when my son was born, should have been illegal! Cup after cup; pot after pot. Brew, brew, brew. At such point, my fiancé hadn’t given me much thought either. He was so consumed with his son, the stress of making money, his own exhaustion, and trying to get out of our trailer, to worry at all about my needs. At that point in our lives, we were living in a small camper trailer that was just falling apart. It was really all two teenagers could afford. At just 18 and 19, we owned our own place. We got a fairly good deal on it too; as was our opinions at that point. We only paid $1,200 for the place and rent was only $409 a month which included water, sewer, and trash pick up. So we were pretty happy. It wasn’t until after our son was born, that we actually realized the extent of the horrible conditions of the place. With all of that extra stress, along with taking care of the baby and trying like hell to produce breast milk; we were pretty stressed.

With little to no reassurances about my physical self; crazy decided to rear it’s stupid little head. My son was just a couple months old, my best friend had come over to see the baby and me. My fiancé foolishly pointed out that Elena, from Vampire Diaries was “not ugly”. That’s when shit got real. I gave him the deadliest look I could give; which did nothing. He’s a man, so similar to the rest, dumbass thought it was cute and laughed. Horrible mistake. Women loathe being laughed at, especially by the person they are infuriated with. I was eating dinner, grabbed my fork, and just threw it. I should have stayed in softball; probably could have gone pro with the curvature at last minute throw. Needless to say, there was a bit of an argument. Men should not fuck with our feelings of self-worth. Insecurity is a very deadly trait. It can push a very respectable woman into a murderous rage. Even the most confident of women get crazy when it comes to feelings of inadequacy, whether it’s physical or mental. The line is so thin for most women, but I think it is a lot thinner on the confident women.

Females who feel superior can be brought down by a comment about the simplest of things; just as a woman who hates herself can. The problem with the confident ones is feeling so superior to the rest and to realize that they, themselves aren’t perfect, is completely world crashing. In my opinion though, the confident ones are more homicidal and the already insecure ones, are more suicidal. I, myself, have been picked on my entire life. I got called fat, pig, dyke, and so much worse! It was by basically everyone I knew with the exception of a few people. I’ve lived with this my whole life. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve accepted how I look and that I actually like it. There are obviously things I would change given the chance, but being an ordinary, everyday woman; I’m quite happy with myself. Though, having gone through all that, has made me be more considerate of other people, which has made me more inclined to hurt myself over other people. To be clear, I have no intentions of hurting myself, especially now that I have children that need me; just pointing out the fact that those who have hurt are, more often than not, less likely to hurt others, in my experience. So for the safety and sanity of yourself and others, when all you want to say is, “you look gross”; instead point out the beauty in others. You don’t know what they’re thinking or who they are. I know a beautiful young woman, who has some mental issues and who has been picked on her entire life. She had once tried to overdose on the closest available option, melatonin, due to not feeling good enough. She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met-inside and out. To watch her suffer with this illness is heartbreaking and then to hear about her suffering deep within herself is worse. She had never believed she was beautiful, so she tried harder, went down a horrible path, and then just gave up. This beautiful woman is one of my most trusted friends and confidant. She is also my baby sister. A friend like her is very hard to come by. Especially, for a young mother, who has actual responsibilities that don’t include making just enough money to pay rent and party. Happy to announce my sister has now grown and realized she is so much more than what those bullies led her to believe. She is now living with her boyfriend, of whom is also, her baby girls father. I’m super proud of her.

Insecurities are everywhere and in every person. Don’t be the person pushing that beautiful human to end their existence or anyone else’s. Also, to the hurt ones, don’t let hateful beings destroy a beautiful thing: You.